Have you ever thought… That life is like a game? There’s different levels, we’re on the first level, that’s why we don’t know what the hell is going on after we die. And then when we die we get upgraded to another level. And if you kill yourself, then you have to start all over again?
Just a little thought.
I started out writing something for History. This is how it turned out:
Medieval Music
Medieval music was crap. Had no words, no meanings and it changed no ones life. I’m quite grateful that I’m alive in a time zone that has good music that saves peoples lives, even though I’d prefer to be in the 50’s, at a Beatles concert with my best friends, or my siblings, or my parents, just rocking it out. I feel sad that they broke up because no one cared about the music anymore, just the image. There were some people who cared about the music, but couldn’t appreciate it properly because of the posers.
Posers were crap as well. They still are. They don’t know anything about music. Not good music anyway. And we all know that the moment they get home, the facade comes off, and the crap music and the crap attitude comes on. They don’t give a shit about Nirvana, or Metallica, or Led Zeppelin. They just care about they’re image, the people they’re around and their popularity. They try and make it so they’re cool, but they really aren’t. They aren’t anything you should be proud of.
You should be proud of your self. Not what other people care. I put up a facade because I won’t be able to survive with people thinking bad about me ‘cause I like other things. I know that makes me sound like a fucking hypocrite but I can’t help it, I need people to like me, or I’d be dead tomorrow. The only thing that keeps me from comitting suicide is the people around me, and I don’t even know if they like me or not, or if they’re just putting up a fake mask. I have serious self concious issues. I can’t look in the mirror and not see something wrong with me, and it kills me every bloody day.
I’m not happy with my friends. I would rather have someone different for a best friend, and that makes me fucking selfish as shit. I hate myself because I want different parents, different friends and a different life. I want to have the life of the girls in the books I read on Wattpad. They look like they have no issues, but that doesn’t happen in real life. You don’t get a main girl in your life story who looks like a fucking supermodel, or a boy who should be on the cover of some fucking magazine. If you’re lucky you can get a pretty face, but a shit personality.
I lied about not being able to look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted. I look at myself in the mirror, and I become the vainest person in the planet. I actually think I’m pretty, that a boy will like me but that will never happen, just because I don’t have the same interests as all those other girls who are in love with JLS, and can name all of their third cousins wife’s sisters. And just because I’m not like them, I have to work hard to be liked. It’s unfair.
I know that you probably think that I’m a spoiled brat right now, and you’re probably right. I try to be perfect, I try to pick up habits, I try to be nice and positive and I’m suceeding. But on the inside I am dying. I want to be me. I don’t want to work hard to be what people think I am. This is a cry for help, and no one but me is going to read it.
I don’t believe in love, but secretely I do. I hope with all my heart that love is real, when I know it’s not. I know it’s not real, but I believe it is. But I don’t believe either. When people fall in love, that means that they stay with that person forever. They don’t cheat, they stay faithful and they don’t file for divorce. Atleast every person in the world has cheated or had fantasies about other people who aren’t they’re wifes/girlfriends/husbands/boyfriends, and it’s wrong. You should love with all your heart, not pretend.
I want to be worthy of someone heart, and I never will be. I’m also afraid that I’m already inlove. I’m fucking 12, I don’t wat to be inlove and I don’t need to be inlove. Love doesn’t exist, god damnit! Maybe one day there was actual love, but that got mixed up in the feelings of lust, and now 4 year olds are telling each other they love them! It’s just wrong!
Writing this down should get the issues off of my chest. It doesn’t work. Yeah, I’m writing it down and all, but no one will actually read this.’Cept for me, of course, and the next person who gets this laptop. I wonder, if someone gets this laptop, will they delete this? Seems like something someone would do for some more space for, I dunno, a picture of you posing infront of a camera, peace sign, head titled, tongue poking out. Y’know, the ususal.
I would absolutely hate if some fluff-brained, big fake boobed bimbo got this laptop. This laptop is my lifeboat. I can write stuff down, read it and realise how crap my life is. There’s more, aswell.
I think I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I also think I might have this disease, that makes me socially incorrect. My Mum won’t get me tested, and it really fucking worries me, y’know? Like, some day I might go crazy, all because my Mum won’t get me fucking tested for some stupid little disease. I might do something bad. Yeah, rearrange the Empire State building.
People say stuff, and make it into quotes. And these quotes are said by people I fucking hate. And they fucking describe me, when they’re just words for them. And then I can’t use them, ‘cause I’d be called unoriginal. I wanna use the term ‘I live for the weekend’ because I fucking do. I live for those two days of paradise, because it’s what gets me through the week. A week has passed, two days free of fucking shit.
School is fucking shit. Everyones all like ‘Oooh I hate school because you have to learn’, yeah everyone hates getting smart. But getting smart gets you somewhere bitches. Although I couldn’t give a crap about getting somewhere (I’d much rather be stupid and be on the fucking streets, free than be smart and be bound down by a stupid job I’d have to do every day for the rest of my life) I’d rather other people would get somewhere. I mean, they have a lot more potential than me.
What I’m trying to get at, is the fact that I hate school because of the people there. I’m not bullied or anything, I just hate them all. They are okay, better than okay, but I hate them. I don’t fucking know why, but I’d rather be alone the rest of my life. I like my own company, not other peoples. It unnerves me, y’know? And I don’t fucking know why.
They girls at my school, all though I have no problem with them (lie), are fucking shit. They hurt me. Not like, ‘Oooh, I’m gunna tease you for fun a little bit, then laugh with you and become your best friend forever!’ they actually hurt me. Physically. They leave fucking bruises. It kills me inside, ‘cause I’m to much of a push over the make them cut it out. I try to fight back, but they overpower me. Lauren and Rosie are the ones doing it. They follow me, Rosie the most. I don’t even fucking know what I did to them! It kills inside, to know that I angered her in some way, or left some kind of emotional scar on her. I’m not even sure if I did anger her, or scarred her. She just does it for fun, I think. The others under estimate what she does. She doesn’t hurt anyone as much as she hurts me. I try to tell people, like Maddie, but she just made it into a joke. They aren’t good with emotional stuff, my form, which is shit. I want a fucking shoulder to cry on. I told my Mum and Dad. I spent two fucking days crying my eyes out, now I just tell them the good parts of school. They won’t do anything.
Sick thing is, if I did tell my parents, they’d tell the teachers and get Rosie in trouble. I don’t want Rosie in trouble. I don’t want anyone in trouble. Much rather me get hurt then some other person get yelled at. I am a maschostic bastard. I can’t stop it, and I won’t stop it. Sick.
I’m guessing you’ve waited long enough, right? You want to know about the dude who I love (I think). It’s the guy I fucking hate with all of my heart, but it can’t help skipping whenever I see his face, and the butterflies won’t stop fluttering when I get his attention. I try to play it off. “I’m not interested in Sam!” “He’s a good for nothing jock! I hate him!” “I wish I could hit him!”.
When will these people see it’s all a fucking act. I don’t hate him. I love him. I don’t love him. I am attracted to him. That is all. Attraction.
But when will Sophie, or Bethen, or Chloe or anyone fucking else suddenly realise ‘Jess went on about him loads. She likes him!’ ‘cause it’s not exactly fucking rocket science! It’s real life. Real true life. And it is fucking crap.
I wish I could just bash someone up because of my crap life. I wish I could take off my mask for just a few minutes, but it’s become so accustomed to being up there, it refuses to leave. I am not myself anymore. I want to cry, but the Jess that is a stranger to me, but to everyone else is me, doesn’t cry. I can’t cry, because I am afraid of what people think.
It’s become so bad, when I cry, my Dad says to me:
“The Jess I know doesn’t cry! She’s tough, tougher than everyone else I know!”
I can’t be myself and be recognised. My Dad knows the pretend me, he doesn’t know the real me. Some day he will see this, he will send me to therapy, but I am beyond being saved. I’m so close to suicide. I just want to be myself, and no one will let me. My Mum doesn’t pay enough attention. ‘Who’s Gerard Way?’ Lead singer of My Chemical Romance, Mum. One of my favourite bands. He’s also my fucking Hero, Mum. ‘Who’s Benji Madden?’ Guitarist of Good Charlotte, Mum. Favourite band of all time. ‘Lucy is so sweet!’ She swears and makes innuendo’s all the time Mum. Opposite of sweet, still my best friend. ‘I’m sure you’re overreacting Jess, Rosie seems so cute!’ Just tell that to my multiple bruises Mum. Oh look! This one says I tried to fight back! This one says that I failed. This one says it hurt. I said it hurt like fuck, Mum.
How bad can it be, that my parents don’t even recognise me anymore? I just wanna cry, and not be interrupted. I want to be interrupted to be asked whats wrong. I wanna tell them, but I don’t. I don’t fucking well know what to do! It’s killing me inside! Killing me slowly…
I need fucking help. I seriously need help.
I seriously scare myself, sometimes.
Last night was comic relief, and we all watched those little kids on TV dieing, and suffering, but I know half of you didn’t give anything to comic relief. I didn’t! Truthfully, I got really annoyed when people kept on asking for money. Yeah, we heard you the first time and we know what Comic Relief is all about! Sure, we bought some red noses, and sure we donated a pound when we went into school or work, but other than that we didn’t give a penny. And we all wish we felt guilty about it, but to be honest, we don’t really care.
Even though those kids all died.
Despite this post, next year I probably wont give anything. Don’t be sad about what others don’t have, be happy at what you have.
Religion.
Funny thing religion.
Really funny thing is christianity.
I happen to be an atheist. Not surprising, is it? My life is so full of crap who would expect me to worship a being that isn’t even proved to actually be there? Yeah, not me. And I don’t.
God is the big man up there.
And according to the bible, you have to believe in God or else you burn for eternity in hell. I mean, seriously?? God is supposed to be this big inspiration, but if you have your own opinion and you don’t want to be bound to the bible for your whole life suddenly you spend the rest of your being burning whilst some crazy devil guy whips you and tells you to get back to work, doing whatever you do in hell?!
When did I sign up to be judged for my views? Definitely not this life.
It really sucks when I have my own view and someone just brushes it away. I mean, a bloody book - words on a page - is more important than an actual being. Oh yeah, that’s because this book is the whole story of how the world was ‘created’. Yeah, right. God my ass.
I don’t believe in any God.
One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.
Death is like this big looming shadow following you everywhere. It’s a really really really scary thought, death. You could live again, or you can just be in a place where you live forever.
Christians believe that when you die, those who did good in their lives go to heaven, and those who didn’t do good in their lives go to hell.
Buddhists believe in being reborn again.
I hope that I am reborn again, but I’m not a buddhist.
Does no one think about living forever - never having a way out because you’re already dead - is terrifying? I mean, death is comforting because it gets you out of forever, but living forever and ever and ever is really really scary.
But maybe life is like a game? This is level one, when you die you upgrade to level two, and on and on and on. Maybe that’s why we’ve never heard of people talking about death before and what comes after it. Maybe because we’re on level one.
It’s a really scary thought, death.
Any idiot can face a crisis - it’s day to day living that wears you out.
I have no use for people who throw their weight around as celebrities, or for those who fawn over you just because you are famous
To be honest, I want Prince William or Kate Middleton to leave the other one at the alter. I don’t care about bloody royal weddings and it’s stupid having magazines everywhere posting stupid stuff. ‘Oooh, Kate and Will have picked their flowers!’ ‘Kate’s designer is some French dude who is apparently one of a kind!’
Yeah, whatever. Nobody bloody cares.
Celebrities are like aliens. It’s like nobody has seen them before, the way they go on. I mean, come on! Just because a couple people know your bloody name doesn’t mean you have all these privileges. It’s sickening.
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